Shapeless Dreams

Day Eight

2006-12-17T19:05:00.000Z

She punched the door with all the energy she had left.

“Let me out!”

Everything was getting blurry. She was suffocating, she could feel her heart beating too fast, uncontrolled.

“Why don’t you help me?” she called out across the room facing his general direction. She could still guess him lying stranded on the farest corner. He was breathing slowly and carefully, trying not to waste a bit of pure air. Silence. She leaned against the wall, letting herself fall helplessly on the floor. Uncontrolable tears ran down her face as she felt the emptiness. All the pictures and the letters fell from her hands, escaping her once firm grip. Shaking to no rhythm, she did let go. She felt the silence creeping in, the cold, she smelled her rotten illusions. And as all the pictures and the letters merged with the surface, she opened her hands to her imaginary sky and opened her mouth, trying to scream with not a sound. And then his voice came like the final judgement.

“It’s your ego, isn’t it? Too inflated to fit this room. That’s why you feel caged, you fool. Look around you. No, this is no white box for you to hang yourself or your sweet pictures. This is no place for you to write your memories with blood and tears. Does it please you, the drama you’re into?”

She turned around and tried to reach for his hand, but he wasn’t close. He crawled in pain to grab her arm, and drag her painfully towards where he thought the door was, when in fact it was opposite. The floor was suddenly made of torns.

“It is your will to suffer this way. Open the door at once.”

She hiccoughed like a little girl with her arms around her knees. He stood up and kicked her hard, his face was expressionless as he took her arm again, lifting her up. Her nose bled copiously. He slapped her until she fainted. Finally he could see. He managed to summon the key, tested it on the door, and locked it firmly, pushing it under the door afterwards.

“Now, you’ll do this with strength, my dear, not luck.”

He kissed her lovingly and left a strange pale stone by her head, whispering by her ear:

“Remember this dream, now will you, my dear?”

And when she woke up her pillow was red from all the blood. She felt tired as she got out of bed. The shower was painful that day as she decided she would not fall again. Things would be different this time. She would not forgive him this time. Not again. Not ever. She reached for the towel, finding out a way to pretend she had dreamt in gold.

Day Seven

2006-08-20T15:57:00.000+01:00

Difficult times, obstacles, exams. Fortunately it was all past. Except the first one, maybe. She didn’t know what to pick: disappointment or relief. Her birthday had been a pretty much normal day. Waking up was a nice thing, for once, though. The skies had turned from grey to blue, the Summer had come and the weather was what they call fair. The storm was gone. Unfortunately, some other things were gone as well. Although she had been feeling better, her will to be alone had been growing a lot in the past few days. She couldn’t bear her angel’s company. And she was hurt. He had left her, completely. Goodnight kisses were gone: she felt alone, abandoned, betrayed. He must had been busy, she thought. She saw him, sometimes. Sitting on the other side of the room, looking pale and sick. And then, when she got sick, she saw his skin turning almost transparent. Every time she coughed, he would shiver with pain. Her chest did hurt as well but now she felt so much better. Days were never wasted now that she could rest. But not her heart. She was truly restless at night. But days went by. Her angel was soon gone, but surprisingly, he came back sooner, with a kiss, a stone and the sky in his eyes. She had to leave again, to Hungary, but Arthur went with her, holding her hand all the time. It’s amazing how everything could be just perfect sometimes. She did feel in love with her life. And above all: she felt safe. And in two weeks, she had shared both with Arthur and her angel the places that kept her heart warm. Good news came like and with the rain. But nightmares came as well. And dreams. And all the colour that could have been mixed up were always present. A bittersweet rainbow of emotions. Pleasure holding hands with pain and sorrow held a smile against it’s chest. Maybe, and in the end, that was exactly what she had waited for. It was quite an odd sensation to be living a dream, and having another. She did learn how to distinguish earthly dreams from faery tales. Good from bad. And she intended on never ever going fully wrong again. She wanted to help and to make everyone around her happy. Even when they decided to pick on her. And she was glad someone finally told her she wasn’t being paranoid. Well, in fact, everything was all right. Except for the fact that something wasn’t. She was unpacking when he finally decided to speak.

“You didn’t treat him very well, did you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well... he took you to his beautiful place... you took him with you as well. He writes you songs, he sings to you. He loves you, he dreams of you... he’s the perfect boy you always wanted. Your family loves him... and so do you... and yet! You’re not satisfied and you treat him like this! Do you really think it’s fair?”

“No, not really. But you know I can’t fight back that feeling.”

“You have an huge heart. Use it! You know you can help everyone you can. You know you can help me as well. Look at me...”

“I know. You’ve been looking so sick. I wanted to...”

“Yes, yes, yes... did you try?”

“No, I did not.”

“Go on, answer his e-mails. But do not forget those you actually care about you. Like me!”

“I know, Arthur. I’m sorry...”

“Go tell that to your angel, not me.”

“You are my angel as well!”

She hugged him tight. He smiled and kissed her cheek.

“Now you know how your body feels when you are in love. When you hate... when you’re nervous.You can feel your fingers, your hair, and you know you’re part of this world. Live this real life, my dear. Do not be afraid to show your love. You’ve been far too cold. This time with him... sweet mornings... have been giving you the will to go on. Muladhara, my dear, is yours. You want nothing, remember that, but your own freedom.”

She was suddenly too sleepy to answer. He held her tighter and carried her to bed. Yet, she dreamt in grey.

Day Six

2006-06-15T12:04:00.000+01:00

The day passed by the two of them, and unfortunately Arthur was right, nothing changed. It was past midnight again when she decided she had to go to bed. He had been sitting on the blue sofa all night while she waited for something that nobody could really understand. Long conversations that led nowhere, and what was really disturbing her was the fact that he could easily watch her burn, without a word nor a move.

“You shouldn’t worry that much.”

“I can’t figure it out. I can’t stop thinking of how fooled I was. Everybody dies alone, right? It was all lies, all along. I thought we would not. Even if we were to be apart forever. It hurts deep inside, and what is disgusting me is that now I feel vulnerable. I have no one to protect me from myself. And this love that I feel... well it will keep hurting. Maybe I’d rather have the illusion forever. At least I could believe there would always be someone out there that would love me as much as I loved him, besides all the impossibilities.”

“What can I say?”

“Nothing. I’m just really sorry this is consuming me. I used to be a really nice person.”

“You’re better now. I knew you and I know you. You’ve changed a lot, but I think that someday, when you’re over all this, you’ll love yourself like you never did. Look back and be amazed by what you’ve done.”

She smiled. True, indeed. Walking right through everything.

“School went just fine, my dear. You could manage it. You’re strong enough, see? And you have arms around you to protect you and hold you tight when you need. Just like mine.”

“Thank you, Arthur. Well and someone has been winning my heart... I can’t complain.”

“You had a fine day, right?”

“Yes... a very fine day. And the rain... I could listen to some songs again.”

“I’m glad. The storm is gone, sweetheart. Enjoy this important moment of your life. Take some days just for yourself. Feel pretty. Hold hands with your little angel. Did I tell you that I would very much like to meet him?”

“You surely will.”

“You two were meant for each other. That is no lie, not like the other one.”

“The other was not a lie. You know the way we met...”

“Hush, don’t think about it. And now... go to sleep. Rest. Time will heal. Follow her advice even though she is wrong in some ways. Remember this, my dear, you will not die alone. Remember me.”

“I will.”

And some things that once were came back into life, reborn for a new age of truth.

“I must believe.”, she said to herself. He smiled. She closed her eyes. That night, she walked alone into her bed. There was indeed a subtle change in her heart. The fourteenth forever, in a box.

She thanked everyone that had had the patience to listen to her, complaining about her life. Telling about how God had left her, how the love of her life had let her down, how family sometimes was just disappointment. Because, in the end, nothing of that mattered. She held both her hands tight over her chest.

“I am here. I am one with thee, Mother. Protect me, and I shall grow to protect myself. I am like a tree. My roots seek thy love. Home within myself.”

There was a single sigh, a message to the angel. Sleep tight, he thought.

Yet, she dreamt in blue.

Day Five

2006-06-14T16:50:00.000+01:00

Space. There is a void between people. And they insist on filling it up with silly connections. Love, friendship... all bonds to be broken, sadness and disappointment. Nothing good comes out those spiritual connections, if that’s what it is. Why can’t we just be individuals that communicate? You shall not be a part of me, but enter my life and help me share the pain and the happiness. I do not need your name nor do I need to call you friend, or husband, or daughter. She was wearing a very silly pyjama top, with a strawberry pattern. Something would change tomorrow.

“Or maybe not.”

“Why not? Didn’t you want me to believe, Arthur?”

“Well, not in that. Why would the fourteen be more special than the fifteen. It’s just like any other day.”

“You know it is not.”

“Not to you, my dear. I assure you, nothing will change.”

Some feelings tend to bother you when you feel alone. The rain was about to fall, but she could not imagine what would come with it. A warm bed and a song. Today had been a good day. No doubt. He had been with her, her angel. Music, his hands, his smile and she was sharing her own personal space with him. No tie between them, just respect and destiny led the way.

“Sleep now. He is good to you, you should praise him. But sleep, you must be ready for tonight?”

“For tonight?”

He did not answer. He was still, staring into empty space... not like he could see a thing anyway. And so she fell asleep.

Two AM in the morning. The storm and the thunder. She was dreaming of him, something was setting them apart. The thunder. She felt so alone. When she was a little girl, she was too afraid of it. Never had she felt safe. Safety. She missed his arms around her, like the most powerful shield she had ever had. She thought he would stand in front of her, protecting her, forever. Her shelter. But none of that was true, she had to fight for herself now. She thought of him deeply though. It was the fourteen. Nothing would change, like Arthur said. But deep within her, she had a little hope. But Arthur was right. Her angel looked upon her, from far, far away. She felt him and fought the dark cold shadows on her own. Arthur was kneeling by the bed, praying. She thought she was a little dead. Crown her with flowers!

“Blue... thou shall not cast your curse upon my beloved one.”

Nothing changed. Yet, she dreamt of every hue.

Day Four

2006-06-13T19:51:00.000+01:00

He shook his head as he saw her sending the e-mail. She did not tell him what she was doing but he knew it.. Her mind was truly a very hard thing to change. And once you could make her be sure about something, she would hold on tight to that. He could see it right now, even though he was blind. On the way she was completely stubborn about lies, about her parents, about school, about the weather and about him. Her hands stood cold and still over the wooden table. It was wrong, what she had done. She told herself it was for her own good. It was a matter of being polite. Even though he did not care.

“Ah well.”

“What?!”, she turned her face to the tall figure by her side. He looked amused and at the same time completely miserable.

“Nothing. Now what? You go to bed. You wait. Nothing happens. You feel horrible about it. Is that what you want?”

“No...”

“Then stop treating yourself like that. I feel like I’m wasting my time with you, my dear.”

“Maybe you are.”

He kissed her face gently, holding her close. Now he was acting like a little boy. His heart beating fast. He was beautiful, his slender body was truly attractive. Then something happened. His smell. She felt him. She felt his long hair, his huge body, strong arms lifting her up. His smell. Smile, smile, I’m here! That smell could turn her on in a second, she could feel her body pulsing, living for him. But her heart, her mind, a pair of colourful wings around her, at first. Then they faded, and her own wings helped her up. Dark, enormous bat wings. She did smile, because he was gone and she was as tall as Arthur, who stood in front of her. His garments had changed. No more stains, so she could notice the robe had been orange all along. A pure shiny orange.

“Swathisthana is finally healed. You passed the test. You shall not need the lover anymore. Now it is time for our second step. We shall go back, isn’t it right? Close your eyes.”

She did as she was asked. Silence.

“There. You can look again.”

He was wearing parts of very old armour over an also very old light red robe. His hair was pulled back in a plait.

“Here we are. If you found this difficult, then next step will be even harder. Be sure you want me here... or else I’ll fade. As you see, my dear, my love, today was just another day. You’re ready to purify your thoughts of love and build a clean home for your broken heart. Care not about what they say. You shall win this war as you’ve been winning important little battles. I belive in you. Today is gone, don’t think of it anymore.”

She tried to open her mouth, but he put his hand over her lips.

“No, my dear. And yes, I am sure you can go on, even like this. Even if you feel alone. You might be alone, but you are not lonely. Tomorrow he will share your space, give your angel a hand and a little orange peace, now that you can deal with it. Tomorrow I shall not come, not until night falls around you, because the moonlight will hurt you deeply, for he will not think of you.”

Arthur was his name indeed. The name of that strange creature she had luck to meet many years ago. A thought.

“Why won’t you anonymously walk me into bed?”

He nodded. Yet, she dreamt in white.

A Visit For Lunch

2006-06-12T18:14:00.000+01:00

Eggs, it had to be eggs. Scrambled eggs. Not the way he used to do it, her way this time. She was not about to cry, but there was a song in the back of her mind. She would listen to it later, at night. 10 PM. She sipped at her glass of water. It wasn’t that long anyway, she thought. Imagine the couples that live together for years. Nothing is impossible. He never had a way with impossible things, everything is possible, that was it. She fought her thoughts back in place.

“Where did you go this morning?”

He was sitting by the door, on the floor, where someone with wide sweet blue eyes had been two years ago.

“School.”

“Why?”

“I couldn’t stay here to study.”

“All right. Promise me you didn’t.”

“Didn’t what?”

“You know.”

No, she had not. She had avoided it. Could not deny the fact that the thought crossed her mind more than just once. It was easy... just go by his place, kiss him goodbye, wish him a very nice day. But that would never happen again. The memories of his room kept filling her mind.

“Stop it.”

“Fine. Will you have some?”

“Some what?”

“Can’t you smell? Eggs.”

“No, thank you.”

She smiled, knowing he could not see and blew him a kiss. Thirteen days to her birthday. He knew it, and he would know he had been blind for eighteen years. That was the strange link that kept them together. He was blind because she was born. She was alive to let him see the light through her eyes. She sat down to eat. The TV was off, as usual.

“Such a fine day, huh?”

“Such a fine topic, the weather.”

“I just want you to speak, my love.”

“It would be pointless, Arthur. Tell me about you, where have you been?”

“Around.”

She shrugged.

“Had any dreams tonight?”

“I don’t think I want to talk about it, Arth.”

“Please, do.”

“Mainly about school. It’s ok and gone.”

“Your angel was there, right? He ignored you. And you felt bad about it.”

“If you knew it, then why did you ask?”

“Just checking.”

“I’m getting tired of that. You want to know how I feel? Then let me tell you. I feel miserable. One year ago... oh, that’s a song, by Lene Marlin, you should listen to it. Well, one year ago I was just fine. I had been a bad girl, I had betrayed the love of my life and I was doing my best to make it better. And I took a decision. You know about it, don’t you. You were there. I called your name, Arthur, out loud. But my best wasn’t good enough. There, another song...”

She looked away. All she wanted was her angel to be there, holding her hand, saying it’s okay. Or him. But he would never come.

She turned back to the door, the floor was stained red. He was gone.

Day Three

2006-06-12T09:17:00.000+01:00

She yawned but she wasn’t sleepy. Her heart felt smashed against the iron bars of the silver cage she got for it.

“Hush!”, she said to herself. Why is it beating like this? There could be no possible reason. Everything was gone. Although she was expecting a phonecall, something, someone waking her up. She wished she wouldn’t even remember this nightmare and life would just go on, as she had imagined it.

“What will you do to all those plans you had?”

She sighed. There he was again. He had entered the room silently, his red robe stained with some kind of thick black substance. But now he too bore a shield.

“I don’t know. I will not tell him about them anyway. It’s useless now. Next year will be just the same even though I was about to turn my destiny upside down. Gladly I was proven that it would be a waste of time before it all happened. Gladly...”

It echoed in her mind. Gladly... was she glad? Truly glad?

“I don’t think you’re glad.”

It was dark so she could not see him completely but all he threw at her was peace of mind. Not like that afternoon. Maybe he had forgotten it. She dwelt on her bad dreams, since it was completely pointless to turn her attention to him. What was it supposed to mean? Poor angel. He was writting a song to her and her thoughts refuse to be of him. She sings to the devil, she burns in hell and she loves it. How can someone be this stupid? Why don’t you take your angel’s hand? He’s there just for you. Turn your back on the flame of that passion.

“It is all undone. Forget about it.”, he rolled his blind eyes. “I’m tired of this drama of yours. All you want is the stage, the spotlight. You want someone to pay you attention. Here I am, paying you all the attention in the world. I’m really happy it is enough right now. Is it?”

“You know your attention is all I want.”

“Here I am.”

“There you are.”

“I understand you are suffering, my dear, but you must not let yourself be overwhelmed by it. Your enlightment is a gift. Share it, as you have been doing. You have all it takes. The muse, the pain, the reason. Remember what you said on the other day? All you want is an universal apology. But you already know it. All you’ve been through, it is not fair. It is not. Keep that in mind, beloved one.”

She closed her eyes and curled up in her bed. She looked like a child now. And that is precisely what she wanted. Never to love. Never to care. Just smile, play, sing and read and imagine and be happy!

“Don’t you dare moving, bitch!”

She wanted to scream, but she was in shock. Her eyes opened wide, choking and coughing, tears mixed up with the blood from her nose.

“Now, stop it. Or I’ll hit you again.”

She did not move. She was too scared. She was too weak. She was so ashamed... she had been fooled. He opened her legs slowly, enjoying the moment. The photo session was completely forgotten, and the watch beeped. Three o’clock in the afternoon. The roller blind was down, so the room was shady and filled with dark figures floating around. He moaned and kissed her cheek. She was too tired to fight back, and she felt a little dizzy. She thought of the water he offered her ten minutes before. He pulled her skirt down with one hand, while touching her small breasts greedily. She was thirteen years old, he was twenty six. His huge body fell over hers, smashing her against the cold tiled floor. She tried to cry out as he tore his underpants madly, but he quickly put his hand over her mouth. She bit him but he grinned and seemed to like it. She did not look, and there was but a second before she felt it. She felt the pain at first. It was not the way she had imagined it. He was enormous, she could know that. There was an eternity closed in five minutes. It was swift, but that scar made there, on the floor of his living room would last forever. When he was satisfied, he let go of her, but she did not move. Fifteen minutes, his heaviness over her. She was so tired, and the tears kept flowing. He kissed her lips and she turned her face away. He grabbed it and kissed her again. She felt like spitting on his face but she felt him growing again, against her half closed legs. He laughed, and so she held her hate back. He got up, eventually. She went home. She was silent. For a very long time...

She had blacked out. She knew it. He was all over her, now, stroking her hair. She pushed him away angrily.

“Don’t be frightned.”

“Go away...”

“Do you really want me to?”

She did not answer. And so, he stayed. Her nose started bleeding for no apparent reason. He cleaned it up with his own robe. She smelled blood, and she was not sure if it was her own or if it came from the long red garment.

“You know it was because of you that I took my vow of chastity. And no, I did not give up about it.”

He smiled tenderly, and she hugged him, shivering.

“Oh, my dear, my love...”, he whispered by her ear, while rocking her slowly, humming a lullaby. That one she was happy she did not recognise.

“You want to sleep don’t you? Why are you pretending that tomorrow is just another day? You know it is special for you.”

“I must not suffer anymore.”

“Well you can fake your smile for everyone, just not for me or you. Or your little angel. Tell him. He will make you feel better.”

“That would be using him.”

“No, that would be loving him. He wants to unfold his wings just for you. Give him reasons to do it!”

“I’m not ready. Besides, yes, indeed, tomorrow will be a very special day, but what can I do? I will not break this silence that surrounds us, Arthur.”

He put his hand over her belly.

“You have room for more.”

“I don’t want it. Not right now. Not ever, maybe.”

“Do not waste yourself. You’re healing... see.”

There was a little flickering candle, just like a little hope. He could not see it but he could feel the energy changing.

“Tomorrow, my dear, you shall not pretend. Your heart is resting now. Swathisthana is almost healed. Go meet the sea. Meet the wind and the earth. Give everyone a chance. I know you wish he would try to find you but he will not. You are alone now. And I’m here with you. Rest, beloved one. Rest...”

She fell asleep against his breast. It was past midnight and she fought the words back. But she thought of it. And with all her will, she sent that message through every energetic field, hoping he would get it. She was too tired now. But there was a little smile of happiness. Yet, she dreamt in dark shades of green and brown.

Afternoon

2006-06-11T16:55:00.000+01:00

Once again, her elbows resting on the windowsill. She had to study, but she allowed herself to rest for five minutes. “But I’m more than just a little curious, how you’re planning to go about making your amends to the dead.”, the song goes. Could be felt deeply inside, but instead, there is another shield growing around her.

“Another one, my dear?”

She shivered and gasped but did not look at him. Her cold silence almost made him feel unwelcome.

“I see you’re happy with yourself. All proud of this, aren’t you?”

He tried to reach for the papers all filled with carefully made exercises. He did not know what was in there, he could not see. He just grabbed them, pretending he could see it.

“I guess this is perfectly done. What use will you make of this? Huh?”

All the work for that day was suddenly lost, in a wild, mad gesture of his hand. No reaction.

“Damn you! Damn the way you keep pretending it’s all right. Stop thinking that no one will ever fix you. Look, I’m here! I am that one, not him!”

Her eyes did not move. She kept staring at the cars, and the little cat down there. Nothing seemed really important anyway. And he did not touch her. He sat down.

“I care too much.”

“You have no other choice. Either you care or I’ll get rid of you.”

He was deeply hurt, and she knew it and did not regret it.

“You’re just a trick of my mind.”

“I’m so sorry you’re not a child anymore. You can’t even believe in me.”

“Yes, some things have to go away.”

“I won’t leave you anymore.”

“Who knows?”

“I do. And so do you. Don’t let me go and I shall stay forever.”

He looked a little desperate.

“What do you want from me, Arthur?”

“Give you a reason to stay. I’m just your friend.”

He came closer to her with just a little movement of his long red robe. His hair was carefully plaited, down to his hips. His small lips seemed to be shaking just a little bit as he raised his eyes to hers, like if he could look her in the eye. She was sitting in a tall chair, but he was far taller than her, so he put his arm easily around her shoulders. Funny how he could move around that room, like if he knew exactly where everything was.

“What are you wearing?”

She slapped him violently. He sounded just like...

“So is that what you want? You gave up your vow and you came to reap what you have sown, isn’t it?!”

She stood up, looking completely insane. He stumbled backwards, sitting in her bed. His face changed.

“How can you say such a thing, little girl?”

She said nothing. Ignored him and turned away, back to the window. She imagined him, with his beautiful smile, down there. She still had the post-its. She held back tears as she shuffled them and then solved the anagram. She knew the answer to that riddle so well. Then slowly, she glued them back on the glass.

“You’re insane.”

She heard herself say. He was gone.

Day Two

2006-06-11T12:47:00.001+01:00

He knocked and got no answer so he entered the room anyway. She was quietly taking everything out from her drawers. Memories, she thought. There was a ring in the palm of her hand. She tried to make it disappear with the power of her mind since it was what lingered here, the rest of that lie. But it did not. She shrugged and laughed at her own stupidity. He could not see what she was doing but she opened her mind to him so that he could see what she was talking about.

“It’s not really stupid.” he said. “You’re actually right. It should be gone from inside you. That’s just the first step. How are you feeling today, my dear?”

She got up and helped him to the little sofa. She kept it clean now. Her clothes gone from there. He took his place, finally, more than a year after the last time he did it.

“I’m fine.”

“Yes, fine. Please come closer… I heard you cut your hair.”

She kneeled before him, his hands on her cheek and then around her ears, her hair, her lips, her eyebrows, her neck.

“You look different. Your hair, I’m sure you look quite grown up. And there’s something about your eyebrows and the sadness of your eyes.”

“I must agree with you there, I think. Everyone says I’m looking far better now. Lighter and happier.”

“They don’t know you, my love. But you should consider it."

“Oh, but I am.”

He smiled and leaned forth to kiss her forehead. He rocked himself a little, with his old halfsmile. His hair was longer, but his eyes looked exactly the same. His fingers kept exploring her body. She let him do that even though it brought her bad memories. The way he touched her…

“Let go of it. That shield of yours is making me sad.”

“I’m sorry, Arthur. But… time… well… you know.”

“I know but you’re also aware that I’m the truth. I am no lie to you, so you shouldn’t fear.”

She nodded, he took her hands and embraced her, standing up, touching her sweetly and carefully.

“Where’s my little one? You’re a woman now…”

He stated it with a little sadness. He still remembered the little girl he used to allow near him. Not too close. Now it was all different between them. His hands closed around her breasts, down to her waist. He felt her breathing. He saw her for a second. Her eyes closed. Her face a little blushed. Sitting back in shock, he let go of her.

“What is it?” she asked, opening her eyes and took his hands, kneeling again.

“Nothing, my dear.”

And nothing else was said. He was happy she allowed him to touch her. And she knew he would never disrespect her. Years had gone by, and he was all alone. He was the only one who waited for her to get through it. He waited until she was comfortable enough to let him touch her. She was beautiful and he was glad she was over it. He released a sigh and smiled. She kissed his cheek and there it was again. That feeling between them that everything would be just fine.

“I want to tell you…”

“We have plenty of time. Now I reckon you should sleep.”

She smiled at him, knowing he would not see it.

“Come with me…”

“Oh, not today. You know I have my duties. I will help you, though. You must promise me you won’t think of him. Think of me, instead. I can give you all of that. We truly share one soul, and that you know.”

She nodded and quickly got undressed. He kissed her pillow to scare the demons out of it. She slept tight. Yet, she dreamt of shadows.

Day One

2006-06-10T13:41:00.000+01:00

Eyes tired of waiting. She was there but she wasn’t really there. Her bed was warm and inviting but she was sitting on the window, her legs outside, feeling the cold. She knew she was in danger, and she felt it... she felt the thrill. And she loved it.

He came. Put an arm around her waist and slowly leaned his head against her shoulder.

“Why are you here, my love?”

“I don’t know, really. Waiting for you, I guess.”

“Did I take too long?”

“No, it’s ok. I’m used to waiting now.”

“So I have seen.”

She nodded. Sometimes words seem to be a very simple waste of time. And he could clearly understand her.

“Howcome you’re killing yourself for a lie? Why are you doing this to yourself?!”

“Because you left me.”

He frowned.

“No I did not.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, you sent me away.”

“You knew I wanted you to stay, you decided to go. You left me.”

“As you wish. Still, I’m here!”

“Indeed.”

“Then why don’t you open your mind to me again?”

“Because I am hurt.”

“I can heal you, my dear.”

“Nobody can.”

“Let me try, at least. You have been suffering, that I can see. You gave me away for...”

“I didn’t give you away. You went away. It was your will.”

“No, my dear, you fell in love. You did not need me anymore.”

She was silent.

“You always knew this was going to happen to your, sweetheart. You had to find true love and then let it go. You just didn’t expect it to be a lie. You should have followed what your heart said.”

“What you said...”

“Yes, what I said. But you were happy as I could never be. You lived a lie... but in your head it was the sweetest truth you ever had. You did all you could, rest your heart, little one.”

“I failed him.”

“He failed you.”

Silence again. He felt she was about to do it.

“They all love you. Don’t let go. It’s over now...”

“This is never over.”

“But you felt it since it all started... why are you so surprised?”

“Because I believed.”

“Then stop believing. It’s over now, rest.”

“Arth...”

“Sahasrara…my dear. Wake up again. I am here now.”

There was a new light between them. She kissed him goodnight and he left with a smile. He was there. She felt the cold. Yet, she dreamt in orange.